Unrealistic Expectations

 

Along with warnings about pornography there is need for warnings about romance novels and soap operas; pornography, romance novels, and soap operas have negative effects on both sexes, and romance novels and soap operas have the same effect on women that pornography has on men. Of course, these are not the only culprits in the media. The heart is influenced and molded by what is fed into the mind, and, along with inciting lust, pornography, romance novels, soap operas, and numerous movies and TV shows fill minds and hearts with extremely unrealistic expectations.

Here are a few examples of unrealistic expectations promoted in entertainment media that ruin lives and destroy relationships:

• Your spouse is supposed to be perfect.

• You can change someone into your ideal. (Brace yourself for a rude awakening. You can only expect to change someone if he wears a diaper. If you feel you must justify a relationship by insisting that you can change someone, you should consider whether you are in love with this person or in love with what you expect him to be after your remodeling efforts.)

• A man of bad character or extreme immaturity just needs the love of a good woman to reform him, convert him, or make him whole.

• Your spouse is responsible for your happiness. (Guaranteed recipe for unhappiness.)

• Your spouse should always agree with you and like the same things. (This is not suggesting that, if you are single, you should enter a relationship in which you are unequally yoked or ignore practical considerations. This is just a reminder that it is not possible to find someone that always agrees on every point or always likes the same things.)

• Compatibility in everything is essential and incompatibility is a ground for divorce. (Ironically, several extensive secular studies concluded that the differences usually blamed for incompatibility are not problems for married couples that share the same religious and moral values.)

• Emotions are grounds for divorce. (“I’m not happy,” “I’m not in love anymore,” etc. Love is a choice: You choose to love or not love someone.)

• A rebellious son or daughter can be expected to be an ideal mate and happily married if they just marry the right person. (You must be a good follower before you can be a good leader; how can a young lad that does not honour his parents be expected to honour his wife and be a good family head when he marries? How can a young lass that does not respect her parents, especially her father, be expected to respect her husband when she marries? -1 Peter 3:7; Ephesians 5:22-25, 33)

• Your spouse is supposed to perform sexually like a porn movie character. (Comparing your spouse to people that only exist in someone’s imagination and wishful thinking instead of seeking to please your spouse is a guaranteed recipe for discouragement and unhappiness.)

• Good looks and good sex indicate or replace good character and good communication.

• Premarital sex and illicit cohabitation are good preparation for marriage. (Think about it: How meaningful and secure is a relationship based on freedom to leave? Premarital sex normally leads to selfishness, disrespect, and distrust after a couple marries, and couples that live together before marriage usually end up divorced.)

• Imitating the sexual attitudes and aggressiveness of men, and being immodest, immoral, and promiscuous empowers women. (This merely fulfills male fantasies, accommodates the baser instincts of men, and lowers the regard of men for women.)

• Women should be masculine, and men should be either effeminate or adopt a macho facade. (Each extreme is contrary to God's design for the male as the Lord's representative and the female as an helpmeet.)

• Egalitarian partnership and matriarchy are preferable to patriarchy. (In nature the only thing with two heads is a freak, and matriarchy and egalitarianism are destructive to marriage for the same reason that you should not put two roosters in the same pen. Equals do not complement, they compete. Yes, some women are wiser and more intelligent than their husbands, but the issue is not who qualifies, the issue is obedience to the Lord’s arrangement. God's design for communities, organizations, and the family is hierarchy with a balance between equality of being and functional subordination.)

• A husband will or should do whatever his wife tells him to do.

• The wife is supposed to be in charge, but the husband is responsible if her decisions turn out to be wrong or disastrous.

• A husband is supposed to make as much money as his wife wants to spend.

• Sex is the most important part of marriage. (While sex in marriage is important, sex is a small part of marriage, and it is the everyday getting along with each other that ultimately makes or breaks a marriage.)

• Male and female think and feel the same about sex. The myth about male and female sexual equality makes both sexes more vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation. While each gender has just as strong a libido as the other, and both sexes desire sex and affection, their responses and priorities tend to differ. Generally, men trade affection for sex and women trade sex for affection. While neither gender is immune to lust, and both genders can be verbally and visually stimulated, women tend to be more verbally stimulated and men tend to be more visually stimulated (men tend to fall in love with, or lust for, what they see, and women tend to fall in love with what they hear).

The list could continue but these should suffice to illustrate the point.

The silent killer of marriages is unrealistic expectations, not unmet expectations. Unrealistic expectations impede healthy communication and diminish the ability to enjoy reality, and when unrealistic expectations meet reality, this often results in abuse, infidelity, and a perpetual state of disappointment, along with other severe problems.

While it is important to be selective about choice of entertainment and amusements, it is even more important to fill your mind, and thus influence your heart, with the word of God. Among other benefits, regular personal Bible study helps you look at things realistically. (Proverbs 2:3-16)